Eat shit? The Human Centipede

Promotional poster for The Human Centipede (Fi...

Image via Wikipedia

One of my best friends, Marie, stayed over this week and watched The Human Centipede (directed by
Tom Six) with me.

The worst (best) part was Dr Heiter, played by Dieter Laser. He was truly creepy looking, and his acting made you feel like perhaps he was this scary in reality too. The film was about his being a surgeon; he used to separate conjoined twins, but then becomes fixated with joining living things.

Naturally, this leads to his ideal of a human centipede, connected by sewing their mouths to each others butts, so that they share one digestive track. Implausible in the long-term, and hilarious, so I was glad when one of the three victims died from infection. That was the most medically accurate part.

The film was not scary, but hilarious. I just couldn’t stop laughing at what idiots the characters are. One of the two female leads had the chance to escape, but hides instead of smashing the window to escape straight away. And the Japanese guy, played by Akihiro Kitamura, who is also a captive, actually stabs Dr Heiter with a scalpel, but only in the foot and leg. He goes crazy and bites him, but instead of using his chance to kill the crazy Doctor, or knock him unconscious at least, he chooses to just attempt to run away (difficult with two girls surgically attached).

I had no real sympathy for the characters because their survival instincts were poor, I like it when characters truly try their best and are beaten down, but these three were mainly moronic and therefore deserved it. The very few chances they had to escape they wasted completely.

As ridiculous as this film was, it’s worth watching because it’s one of the funniest films I’ve seen in a long time, and wasn’t too badly shot.

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Elvis has left the building. Oh wait no I mean England

Oh man, England failed so hard it was like Mission Impossible only Tom Cruise wasn’t there to save the day. They clustered when they need to space out, and spaced out when they needed to be tight and united. It was like seeing an elastic band stretch and teeter until it finally snaps.

A very exciting game though overall, despite depressing. I’m not even a hardcore football fan anymore, I have no right to blog about it, but watching the World Cup has stirred the sleeping beast which is my past obsession with football. Back in the day (I’m not old but I like saying that) I was the only girl on the football team, and got man of the match from an excellent sliding tackle, which the boys weren’t happy about. They also weren’t happy about me beating them at chin ups on the famous tree branch outside the school, or arm wrestles. This was immensely strange because I was always tiny and skinny and not butch at all. I would talk about how I also won the furthest spitting competition, but that was when I was six years old so that doesn’t count.

This is all I had to say during the game:

Ruth Von Noakes: Ugh that fucking goal, if a tree falls in a forest and no one sees it the tree still bloody fell innit, on this level of reality anyway, and shut up string theory

Oh and also I was imagining how potentially more nerve-wracking football would be if the players were invisible. You’d just see the ball getting knocked around be like “oh my golly gosh who has the ball?” and wouldn’t really know until it went in a certain goal.

Elvis has left the building. Oh wait no I mean England.